for goodness sake please don't any o'how use the term
"commit suicide" to deliver a news about a person who
attempted suicide.
yesterday, my heart sank when a fren called to tell me
another fren commited suicide. i thought to myself
"shit! she died!" my God help me,, how?!?
then i asked: "what happened!?"
then the person explained that she is rushing to the
hospital to check out the status of our fren.
"she's ok?"
"her dad says she's unconscious"
"oh, so she's unconscious?"
"ya. im going there now...how?"
(wa lau, i thought. please dont EVER say that the person committed
suicide when it is ATTEMPTED suicide OK!!!)
becos it is NO joke.
once i had an aunt who committed suicide. she died, yes she died.
so please dont call me on the phone to tell me who and who
committed suicide becos it is a very very difficult piece of news to
digest.
*sigh*
the only thing that can drive a person to suicide is perhaps
the delusion of love lost. i dunno,, dont ask me. i really dont
know where their courage comes from. to die.
****
ok ok it's christmas and i should be cheery.
i've got lots of parties to go to. many house parties. yes.
dressing up and all that glitters is all gold. hahaha.
k, im feeling rather down actually. cos im rather in debt.
and i feel pathetic when i cant spend $$. and i feel pathetic
when i do spend money. either way, i am pathetic.
so.... how.
Friday, December 24, 2004
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
crying dreams
you know those dreams where you cry in your sleep
and at the same time, cry in real?
ya, one of those very perplexing things.
I haven’t had this for a long time,
crying in your dream, being so emotional and crying for real
This morning was a struggle. Half awake, half asleep but just very angry.
I hate that kind of frustration.
You want to blame someone and yet you know it’s best to forgive.
My dream was about me being “CCV” (close circuit video-ed). Dream setting was at my old home, my mom’s home. There was this pin-hole needle head lens that was camouflaged behind the ceiling lighting that has a complicated design. Turn out to be that my bloody sick-minded neighbour was viewing me and my family. He even kept burned CDs of our lifestyle. And if that’s not all, my uncle knew about it. When I wanted to expose the scheme, my uncle stopped me. Then it dawned on me that he knew and just kept mum abt it. Heck. How could he, as my uncle condone to such a maniac act? And to make matter far far worse, my godma knew abt it too! Heck. I strangled everyone I saw. I strangled them on the neck and as I strangled them, I cried. Cried and thought to myself, how could they? How could they know and not do anything? I am their niece/ god-daughter/ whatever/ so how could they possibly say that they love me when they bloody hell didn’t do anything to protect me? Worse still, now that I want to expose the hell neighbour, they didn’t support me. Freak. I was very very hurt.
So ya. I cried.
***
The truth is that there was such an encounter.
But I didn’t strangle anyone.
Perhaps that’s why im still hurting inside.
***
When I was young, I had this neighbour who was a police man.
He lived at the corner unit next to my old place. HDB.
When I was 7-10yrs old, his wife and him would bring me out with their son. They would bring me to their family reunion, shopping, hawker etc. healthy nice neighbour or so I thought.
His wife and my mom were rather close friends. Quite ok, chatty and friendly.
His mother was the neighbourhood’s “kuey seller” (selling steamed cakes in the hawker centre). They have a good reputation and were widely accepted in the entire Singapore River Old Neighbour Clan. (our forefathers were all Singapore River Merchant settlers)
He is also the RC member, you know grassroots member that kind of PAP activities.
So ya, you see, they are the model average family in my neighbourhood.
I don’t know when it started but there was one nite I caught him peering into my house’s windows. I was returning home and came out from the lift, so it was quite an unexpected arrival and he jumped up in fright. i was 16-17.
He didn’t back off. In fact, he became bolder. One bloody morning as I woke up to go to school like 6am I think.. those impossible school days.. there was this torn-off page from some prono magazine being slipped into my windows landing on my window still. Fuck that bloody hell person. I was too shocked to do anything. Another nite, I was returning to my bedroom and I saw half a head from the glass panel of my window. I tried to scream but because I was drinking water and my mouth was full, I couldn’t. hell.
Every time we catch him peeping into our house, he will pretend to be bending over to do some stretching exercise. You know, bend and touch your feet that kind of warm-up exercise. I said “we” because my parents also caught him in the act.
But we tolerated.
The last straw was when he pretended to be painting the pipes outside his house. Yes he was painting I can see but he was painting and peering all the fucking time. I closed all the windows and hid under the window, ready to surprise him. When I saw his bloody shadows lurking at the window again, I pulled open the window in full force. Stood up and looked him in his bloody eyes. He jumped out of his skin and fell back. But he recovered in 30secs. He starred right back at me. That was when I decided to call the police. The mistake I made was that I called my mom before I called the police. My mom asked me to drop it. She said he is stressed from work and is unhealthy-minded. We must forgive when we can. I was fuming mad and argued with her. But she begged me not to create trouble. By then, I was considering too many things to have taken action. The neighbour’s son is my sis’ classmate, his wife is my mom’s friend, he is in the same RC as my dad, and his old mother is old and had stroke. So do I want to put him in hot soup knowing that he is a police officer and might be in double jeopardy. In the end, I didn’t call the police.
Whatever the case, they moved out 2 years after that incident.
***
Till now, I am still angry. With him and with my parents for being so weak and for not giving me the support when I very much needed. And with myself for being so weak. I really shouldn’t care about his welfare. But I cared about his family’s welfare. They were innocent. They were living with a monster.
If time were to rewind and I have this opportunity to set things right, I might end up not calling the police at all. But I would gather evidence and show to his wife.
I know that in life, there are no clear cut right and wrong, black or white. It is always grey. But I am angry that I didn’t get the support to right some wrong.
This is probably why I had this terrible dream.
and at the same time, cry in real?
ya, one of those very perplexing things.
I haven’t had this for a long time,
crying in your dream, being so emotional and crying for real
This morning was a struggle. Half awake, half asleep but just very angry.
I hate that kind of frustration.
You want to blame someone and yet you know it’s best to forgive.
My dream was about me being “CCV” (close circuit video-ed). Dream setting was at my old home, my mom’s home. There was this pin-hole needle head lens that was camouflaged behind the ceiling lighting that has a complicated design. Turn out to be that my bloody sick-minded neighbour was viewing me and my family. He even kept burned CDs of our lifestyle. And if that’s not all, my uncle knew about it. When I wanted to expose the scheme, my uncle stopped me. Then it dawned on me that he knew and just kept mum abt it. Heck. How could he, as my uncle condone to such a maniac act? And to make matter far far worse, my godma knew abt it too! Heck. I strangled everyone I saw. I strangled them on the neck and as I strangled them, I cried. Cried and thought to myself, how could they? How could they know and not do anything? I am their niece/ god-daughter/ whatever/ so how could they possibly say that they love me when they bloody hell didn’t do anything to protect me? Worse still, now that I want to expose the hell neighbour, they didn’t support me. Freak. I was very very hurt.
So ya. I cried.
***
The truth is that there was such an encounter.
But I didn’t strangle anyone.
Perhaps that’s why im still hurting inside.
***
When I was young, I had this neighbour who was a police man.
He lived at the corner unit next to my old place. HDB.
When I was 7-10yrs old, his wife and him would bring me out with their son. They would bring me to their family reunion, shopping, hawker etc. healthy nice neighbour or so I thought.
His wife and my mom were rather close friends. Quite ok, chatty and friendly.
His mother was the neighbourhood’s “kuey seller” (selling steamed cakes in the hawker centre). They have a good reputation and were widely accepted in the entire Singapore River Old Neighbour Clan. (our forefathers were all Singapore River Merchant settlers)
He is also the RC member, you know grassroots member that kind of PAP activities.
So ya, you see, they are the model average family in my neighbourhood.
I don’t know when it started but there was one nite I caught him peering into my house’s windows. I was returning home and came out from the lift, so it was quite an unexpected arrival and he jumped up in fright. i was 16-17.
He didn’t back off. In fact, he became bolder. One bloody morning as I woke up to go to school like 6am I think.. those impossible school days.. there was this torn-off page from some prono magazine being slipped into my windows landing on my window still. Fuck that bloody hell person. I was too shocked to do anything. Another nite, I was returning to my bedroom and I saw half a head from the glass panel of my window. I tried to scream but because I was drinking water and my mouth was full, I couldn’t. hell.
Every time we catch him peeping into our house, he will pretend to be bending over to do some stretching exercise. You know, bend and touch your feet that kind of warm-up exercise. I said “we” because my parents also caught him in the act.
But we tolerated.
The last straw was when he pretended to be painting the pipes outside his house. Yes he was painting I can see but he was painting and peering all the fucking time. I closed all the windows and hid under the window, ready to surprise him. When I saw his bloody shadows lurking at the window again, I pulled open the window in full force. Stood up and looked him in his bloody eyes. He jumped out of his skin and fell back. But he recovered in 30secs. He starred right back at me. That was when I decided to call the police. The mistake I made was that I called my mom before I called the police. My mom asked me to drop it. She said he is stressed from work and is unhealthy-minded. We must forgive when we can. I was fuming mad and argued with her. But she begged me not to create trouble. By then, I was considering too many things to have taken action. The neighbour’s son is my sis’ classmate, his wife is my mom’s friend, he is in the same RC as my dad, and his old mother is old and had stroke. So do I want to put him in hot soup knowing that he is a police officer and might be in double jeopardy. In the end, I didn’t call the police.
Whatever the case, they moved out 2 years after that incident.
***
Till now, I am still angry. With him and with my parents for being so weak and for not giving me the support when I very much needed. And with myself for being so weak. I really shouldn’t care about his welfare. But I cared about his family’s welfare. They were innocent. They were living with a monster.
If time were to rewind and I have this opportunity to set things right, I might end up not calling the police at all. But I would gather evidence and show to his wife.
I know that in life, there are no clear cut right and wrong, black or white. It is always grey. But I am angry that I didn’t get the support to right some wrong.
This is probably why I had this terrible dream.
Friday, December 10, 2004
bah bah black sheep
my favourite kid in school this practicum is Daven Chua
initially, it was neutral. just normal liking.
then, i grew to LOVE him. he is just so crapy. like me.
you know, it is not easy being crapy. ya ya, people laugh
at you or your jokes but it takes a sense of humour to be crapy,
so ya, i really like Daven Chua.
you see what he's doing? he's playing "dead"
everyone was so bored, they started running around
and chasing each other. SUDDENLY, daven dropped onto the
floor, sprawled and motionless. his friends cheered! they
all laugh and shout and cheered while he was so still.
see how clever daven is? he could act.
oh, you know one disgusting thing that daven loves to
do is to chew and keep food in his mouth for HOURS.
no lah, probably 20mins. and 20mins is ENOUGH to kill me.
he would be playing with his friends, he would play like
normal but his mouth would be closed and he'll be mute.
i was puzzled, and asked: "what's that in your mouth?"
of course he couldn't speak, he would then, tilt his head back,
angle his mouth in a way that the LIQUID concoction does
not spill from his mouth. LIQUID concoction is the digested
version of bread, bun or anything in the form of pastry.
i have NEVER seen,, you know, bread in pure watery format.
i almost puked. daven thought it was funny and i fell to his
trick twice. ya. silly me. i forgot daven is crapy.
but i like him a lot. who else could have the intelligence to
play dead so well.
akirah's mom is a school teacher in the centre.
i didn't know that. ever since i laid eyes on akirah,
i was mesmerized. she is so very pretty. very very sweet.
almond shaped face, captivating eyes. and very long eye lashes.
her mom brought her for audition to be baby model. but akirah
was too tensed and afraid of strangers. emmm. i told her mom
it's ok. she can be model when she grows up. watch that face.
there was this teacher-- Siti, who was so sweet.
she asked how old am i and i said 30 but for the last day.
know what? the next day she bought me a cake. well a piece of cake
not the whole cake. but i could share it with her and another
part-time teacher--Yani. Yani is another sweet teacher though
initially i didnt think too much of her. (becos i am generally not
a sociable person and i dont bother to go around asking ppe even for
their name. i can work in a place for years without socializing,, so ya
i am private in nature) k, back to Yani-- she saved a pigeon who was
bitten by a cat. the pigeon was bleeding and she carefully placed it
into a box and nursed it. so ya,, i am impressed by her kindness.
oh -- talking abt being private. there is this old teacher-- abt 50plus plus
plus-- who probably asked me my life's history for the 5 days she was
with me. i am just being nice, so everything she asked, i said yes.
wa haha. she asked if i earn $5K a month, i said "ah, sometimes lor depends
on my commission lor." her eyes widened and asked "so sometimes 3, 4 or 5K?
again i said -- ah depends lor.
hahahaha why deny.
*****
emmm
the other 2 cakes are bought by my old frens at ex work place.
so nice of them. they insisted buying me dinner and i feel so very fortunate
whenever i have marvelicious food.
you know,, i am actually very touched with all the sms and BD greetings
i get from my frens and cousins and sista. and my mom.
she called me today to wish me happy BD cos today is my lunar BD.
ya lunar BD also celebrate. i actually celebrate my BD for a week, plus
the lunar BD. like CNY we celebrate for 15 days,,, my BD is for a week.
good rite?
actually i was touched by my mom not becos she called to wish me
but becos we called, despite we had a fight just 3 days ago.
ya ya. my mom & i still fight.
***
today i was at sentosa's office. their reception really reminds me
of my bintan days. rustic, yellow walls, teak furniture. nice laid
back ambience.
k-- they had a pair of parrots
very cute, nice colour. especially its beak. looks like it is made
of wax. the male parrot is a stealer. he fights with his mate and
steals food from his mate's mouth. after she has done the hard
work of picking, and breaking and peeling off the shells.
****
k-- boring you already.
im going for a workshop tomorrow & sunday.
9-6 ... totally shut off from the world again.
you know, when you're in any workshop for full days or in conferences
for a few full days,...... the world passes you by without your part taking.
you come out of it a bit disoriented. well,,, at least i've always felt like
that.
initially, it was neutral. just normal liking.
then, i grew to LOVE him. he is just so crapy. like me.
you know, it is not easy being crapy. ya ya, people laugh
at you or your jokes but it takes a sense of humour to be crapy,
so ya, i really like Daven Chua.
you see what he's doing? he's playing "dead"
everyone was so bored, they started running around
and chasing each other. SUDDENLY, daven dropped onto the
floor, sprawled and motionless. his friends cheered! they
all laugh and shout and cheered while he was so still.
see how clever daven is? he could act.
oh, you know one disgusting thing that daven loves to
do is to chew and keep food in his mouth for HOURS.
no lah, probably 20mins. and 20mins is ENOUGH to kill me.
he would be playing with his friends, he would play like
normal but his mouth would be closed and he'll be mute.
i was puzzled, and asked: "what's that in your mouth?"
of course he couldn't speak, he would then, tilt his head back,
angle his mouth in a way that the LIQUID concoction does
not spill from his mouth. LIQUID concoction is the digested
version of bread, bun or anything in the form of pastry.
i have NEVER seen,, you know, bread in pure watery format.
i almost puked. daven thought it was funny and i fell to his
trick twice. ya. silly me. i forgot daven is crapy.
but i like him a lot. who else could have the intelligence to
play dead so well.
akirah's mom is a school teacher in the centre.
i didn't know that. ever since i laid eyes on akirah,
i was mesmerized. she is so very pretty. very very sweet.
almond shaped face, captivating eyes. and very long eye lashes.
her mom brought her for audition to be baby model. but akirah
was too tensed and afraid of strangers. emmm. i told her mom
it's ok. she can be model when she grows up. watch that face.
there was this teacher-- Siti, who was so sweet.
she asked how old am i and i said 30 but for the last day.
know what? the next day she bought me a cake. well a piece of cake
not the whole cake. but i could share it with her and another
part-time teacher--Yani. Yani is another sweet teacher though
initially i didnt think too much of her. (becos i am generally not
a sociable person and i dont bother to go around asking ppe even for
their name. i can work in a place for years without socializing,, so ya
i am private in nature) k, back to Yani-- she saved a pigeon who was
bitten by a cat. the pigeon was bleeding and she carefully placed it
into a box and nursed it. so ya,, i am impressed by her kindness.
oh -- talking abt being private. there is this old teacher-- abt 50plus plus
plus-- who probably asked me my life's history for the 5 days she was
with me. i am just being nice, so everything she asked, i said yes.
wa haha. she asked if i earn $5K a month, i said "ah, sometimes lor depends
on my commission lor." her eyes widened and asked "so sometimes 3, 4 or 5K?
again i said -- ah depends lor.
hahahaha why deny.
*****
emmm
the other 2 cakes are bought by my old frens at ex work place.
so nice of them. they insisted buying me dinner and i feel so very fortunate
whenever i have marvelicious food.
you know,, i am actually very touched with all the sms and BD greetings
i get from my frens and cousins and sista. and my mom.
she called me today to wish me happy BD cos today is my lunar BD.
ya lunar BD also celebrate. i actually celebrate my BD for a week, plus
the lunar BD. like CNY we celebrate for 15 days,,, my BD is for a week.
good rite?
actually i was touched by my mom not becos she called to wish me
but becos we called, despite we had a fight just 3 days ago.
ya ya. my mom & i still fight.
***
today i was at sentosa's office. their reception really reminds me
of my bintan days. rustic, yellow walls, teak furniture. nice laid
back ambience.
k-- they had a pair of parrots
very cute, nice colour. especially its beak. looks like it is made
of wax. the male parrot is a stealer. he fights with his mate and
steals food from his mate's mouth. after she has done the hard
work of picking, and breaking and peeling off the shells.
****
k-- boring you already.
im going for a workshop tomorrow & sunday.
9-6 ... totally shut off from the world again.
you know, when you're in any workshop for full days or in conferences
for a few full days,...... the world passes you by without your part taking.
you come out of it a bit disoriented. well,,, at least i've always felt like
that.
Monday, December 06, 2004
Mass suicide
i was horrified
know what happened?? i bought 10 fishes for my practicum exams.
there were beautiful and i adored them. grey-silky and small.
but 2 died. i was horrified. i dare not look at them. and my
stupid husband is not sympathetic at all!!! he is sympathetic to the
fishes but not me! he was angry that i didnt take care of the fishes.
i did, i swear. i went to the aquarium shop, talked to the fella,
learnt to add salt to the water, oxydise the water for over a day before
i brought the fishes home. crushed those too big pellets, bought smaller
pellets to feed them. they were fine and settling down but i couldnt stand
the sight of any fish swaying a little or tilting to the side. one of them
was tilting for 4 days and every day i prayed for it to get well.
there am i conquering my fear and taking care of them.
we even bought a side-table just to put the fish tank.
then one day, all was well and fine and alive and lively.
i was happy. i talked to them and they were also happy.
i told them that they were really beautiful eventhough they are sometimes
being bought as food for arawanas (cos they're cheap, 80 cents)
but the water was too cloudy. so i went to the shop to ask how to
change water. he said change only half a tank. add one tablespoon of salt.
i did that and ALL fucking fishes died! i am traumatized. i can back to
see 8 dead bodies. i am so fucking dead.
i cant see dead things, i'll feel so sad i'll cry. and fishes especially?
their eyes are like starring at you. they died peaceless. is it mad to think like that?
i always feel so terrified to think that they are catching their last breath.
like gasping for air.
sometimes, even if you did everything right, it'll still be wrong. it is not up to us i guess.
my BD came and went.
i used to feel very lousy about myself generally and especially harsh and critical of myself during my BD period. i would say that i was fat, useless, underachiever, blah blah blah and that i was doom.
i am glad im over it. i have learned to love myself.
you know, whatever you think of yourself, it's true.
i cant begin to tell you what kind of transformation ive had but ive had.
so ya, sometimes im still jackle and hyde. sometimes the darker side gets a hold of me. but you know what? i know and have finally got the wisdom to tell them apart. to know when i am up, when i am down, i know what triggers me, what motivates me, and mainly, it is both all about me and not about me all the time. i know i get angry, i know i have enormous capacity for love. in fact, infinte love.
do you know how i live? once, someone asked me to do "death meditation"
i said what's that?
he said, pretend that today is the last day of your life. what are you gonna do?
i didnt do the death meditation as suggested but i did work backwards.
i thought to myself, who are the people who will be at my funeral? what will be said at my funeral? how much joy have i added to their lives? have i significantly helped someone in their lives? i want them to celebrate, and to rejoice my existance and to live their own lives as they wish. i want them to be happy to have known me. and cry only for a few short moments. (if they feel like crying la) and dont cry becos i died tragically or that i left my family behind etc etc. no no. they can take care of themselve la.
once, i know of a lady who wrote her own obituary. she is the wife of my fren. she was going for a risky operation and her chances were 50. she said she had lived a beautiful life and she is a flamboyant person, very showy, so she said her funeral must be a ball. she wrote all instructions for her husband. where and how to manage their household, their accounts, their kid's sch etc. who to invite for the funeral. yes. she was detailed. she is brave.
k-- shopping time. im gone shopping for MAC. yes. i want the whole set of make-up, im tired of my cheapo brands. tried, tested, failed. so..... look for solution la! try something else.
see you soon
know what happened?? i bought 10 fishes for my practicum exams.
there were beautiful and i adored them. grey-silky and small.
but 2 died. i was horrified. i dare not look at them. and my
stupid husband is not sympathetic at all!!! he is sympathetic to the
fishes but not me! he was angry that i didnt take care of the fishes.
i did, i swear. i went to the aquarium shop, talked to the fella,
learnt to add salt to the water, oxydise the water for over a day before
i brought the fishes home. crushed those too big pellets, bought smaller
pellets to feed them. they were fine and settling down but i couldnt stand
the sight of any fish swaying a little or tilting to the side. one of them
was tilting for 4 days and every day i prayed for it to get well.
there am i conquering my fear and taking care of them.
we even bought a side-table just to put the fish tank.
then one day, all was well and fine and alive and lively.
i was happy. i talked to them and they were also happy.
i told them that they were really beautiful eventhough they are sometimes
being bought as food for arawanas (cos they're cheap, 80 cents)
but the water was too cloudy. so i went to the shop to ask how to
change water. he said change only half a tank. add one tablespoon of salt.
i did that and ALL fucking fishes died! i am traumatized. i can back to
see 8 dead bodies. i am so fucking dead.
i cant see dead things, i'll feel so sad i'll cry. and fishes especially?
their eyes are like starring at you. they died peaceless. is it mad to think like that?
i always feel so terrified to think that they are catching their last breath.
like gasping for air.
sometimes, even if you did everything right, it'll still be wrong. it is not up to us i guess.
my BD came and went.
i used to feel very lousy about myself generally and especially harsh and critical of myself during my BD period. i would say that i was fat, useless, underachiever, blah blah blah and that i was doom.
i am glad im over it. i have learned to love myself.
you know, whatever you think of yourself, it's true.
i cant begin to tell you what kind of transformation ive had but ive had.
so ya, sometimes im still jackle and hyde. sometimes the darker side gets a hold of me. but you know what? i know and have finally got the wisdom to tell them apart. to know when i am up, when i am down, i know what triggers me, what motivates me, and mainly, it is both all about me and not about me all the time. i know i get angry, i know i have enormous capacity for love. in fact, infinte love.
do you know how i live? once, someone asked me to do "death meditation"
i said what's that?
he said, pretend that today is the last day of your life. what are you gonna do?
i didnt do the death meditation as suggested but i did work backwards.
i thought to myself, who are the people who will be at my funeral? what will be said at my funeral? how much joy have i added to their lives? have i significantly helped someone in their lives? i want them to celebrate, and to rejoice my existance and to live their own lives as they wish. i want them to be happy to have known me. and cry only for a few short moments. (if they feel like crying la) and dont cry becos i died tragically or that i left my family behind etc etc. no no. they can take care of themselve la.
once, i know of a lady who wrote her own obituary. she is the wife of my fren. she was going for a risky operation and her chances were 50. she said she had lived a beautiful life and she is a flamboyant person, very showy, so she said her funeral must be a ball. she wrote all instructions for her husband. where and how to manage their household, their accounts, their kid's sch etc. who to invite for the funeral. yes. she was detailed. she is brave.
k-- shopping time. im gone shopping for MAC. yes. i want the whole set of make-up, im tired of my cheapo brands. tried, tested, failed. so..... look for solution la! try something else.
see you soon
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